Divorce & Remarriage

In the prep list, there is a quote provided by Brother Williams that is from President Gordon B. Hinckley that I really like:

"Somehow forgiveness, with love and tolerance, accomplishes miracles that can happen in no other way." - President Gordon B. Hinckley

I love that quote because it applies to divorce so well. Separation of marriages is a tragic thing and causes great heartbreak. In class this week we discussed the effects of divorce and remarriage and the different family structures that are formed due to these. Brother Williams introduced some interesting facts concluded from a study drawn from a great size of men:

After two years of a divorce, 70% of men believed that they could have saved the marriage and believed that they should have.

Also, 70% of those men were remarried within those 2 years. 

Divorce may cost more than 2 years of marriage counseling

After a father divorces his wive, and he is the one to move while the children stay with the mother, the average number of miles of the dad living to the children is 400 miles. This is because of new job opportunities, or the mother got up and left and moved away from the father. 

Some examples of common family structures after marriage include:

step families

remarried families

Focusing on step families, we discussed how a step father may have too much influence in a child's life if he is way too correcting. Feelings such as, tension and protectiveness are brought up in the mother and that might start conflict between spouses and especially hard feelings between the step father and children. Divorce may not always be the best solution but it might be as well. Parents can seek help through counseling with a marriage therapist and also through our Heavenly Father. 

If anything that I can take from this class, it is that all of my issues and hardships can be taken up with the Lord. I also need to ask Him in faith the things I should do that are best for me and my family. 

Parenting

The thing I want to focus on for this blog post is us discussing in class the Supreme Court Case that is going on in regards of allowing same-sex marriage in the states. This is critical in the aspect of parents and the right type of parenting because same-sex couples can not provide that necessity to children.
This link below goes to a video of a 11-year old girl expressing her opinino about same-sex marriage. This is her testimony:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRhGDmdG4dk

It is so true though. Correct parenting, especially in the Lord's eyes, is between a man and a woman. A father and a mother. I think that people have their agency and if they have the temptation of same-sex attraction, that is something they need to work out. Although, classifying marriage between the same-sex is not in accordance with God and His plan. People are wanting the law to fit their lives, when the law allows people to stay in check.
Intelligence and teaching results in active parenting and active parenting is effective parenting.
Brother Williams expressed to us:

The purpose of parenting is to protect and prepare our children to survive and thrive in the world they live in.

A good way to help parent is to keep in mind the Ballast Qualities. We discussed these briefly in class and I think they are worth mentioning on here:

1) Responsibility... this leads to choices and consequences and these should always be age appropriate and situation-based.

2) Cooperation

3) Respect

4) Courage (isn't a lack of fear)

Effective parenting is critical in today's society especially because of the confusion going on. Children truly benefit having a mother and father. It is a disrespect to the child if there are two same-sex parents because they are missing out on learning the true roles of parents and their view on the family is skewed.

Fathers & Finances

This week we focused on the importance of having a financial provider within the family. Ideally, the father of the family should provide the financial status of a family. This is because a family is the provider of family. Of course, this doesn't apply to every household. Because of certain situations, single mothers have to work to provide for a family. This isn't always the first desire of a mom but sometimes it is. Some women desire to have a very prestigious career and desire to have a family. In class, we discussed how this might lead to negative effects.
Some trends regarding to single mothers working are:
Independence
Changing roles
Wages go down
More acceptable for women to go to work
More acceptable for men to not go to work
Non-violent crimes occur during the hours of 3-6 -- the time parents aren't home with their children.

Not only is it hard for a single mother to care for her children, but when a mother who is married and is working may have similar negative effects because she may not be there for her children. The trend of more non-violent crimes happening during the hours of 3-6 is interesting because the children are the ones who cause these crimes. When mothers aren't home to greet their children coming in from school may have negative effects on the child and the child may grow distant to their parents.

We looked over a brochure in class titled, "One for the Money".
This brochure included important principles to apply to our families such as:
1) Paying tithing
2) Budgeting
3) Purchase needed insurance
4) Debt elimination
5) Work together
6) Teaching family members early
All of these principles help strengthen families and apply responsibility.

Communication & Mutual Problem Solving

This week, we talked about how solving problems together as a family is critical. Better ideas, help, and effort is put forth and problems are solved in ways that we may not expect. The thing that stuck out to me most this week though was whenever we discussed the influence of drugs within a family because I can relate to that. Brother Williams described how marijuana  has such negative impacts on the human body. What struck me most was this:

Marijuana, when smoked on a regular basis for a long period of time, stops the mental development of an individual. 

That statement blew my mind. So, for example, if a teenager started smoking at the age of fourteen on a regular basis and didn't stop, his mentality will remain as a fourteen year olds until he stops. I realized how many do not realize how negative marijuana can be on the body and mind. It makes people lazy, and they need it in order to enjoy life. I thought this was all interesting because someone close to me has an issue with marijuana. We also discussed the benefits of counseling and how having a counselor to help you through addictions can be very critical. Also, within the church, we have high councilmen and areas that allow counseling. Counseling is for the benefit of the individual. When taken seriously, using effective communication and honesty, counseling can create lifetime impacts. 

The Family Under Stress

Crisis is defined as: danger + opportunity.
Brother Williams opened discussion about this topic this week by asking what we thought crisis means, or what we think of whenever we think of crisis. Here are a few responses:

Trauma

Unsatisfied with current situation

Urgent

Family at risk

Instability

Personal 

A few examples of crisis that have occurred in some of my fellow students lives consisted of: parents losing jobs, experiencing earthquakes, cancer, and other disasters. We talked about how whenever we experienced these crises, we felt stronger as a family. The bonds that we shared grew and became stronger. We discussed the different forces within a family.

These are:

Centrifugal forces: which move away form the center

Centripetal forces: which move towards the center

Each family has experienced both sorts of these forces, especially during times of crisis. At first, it may seem like that family may drift apart because of the feelings that are felt and there may be some upset and a sense of fear. But we agreed as a class, that as a family experiences a crisis, the centripetal forces overrule and families grow together and learn together. That is what allows families to become stronger together and experience tighter bonds.

We also discussed the ABC=X factor Reuben Hill put together:

Actual Event

Both resources & response

Cognition 

= EXperience

Sexual Intimacy and Family Life

Overall, I think this subject is overlooked because we value sexual intimacy and intercourse to be so sacred and important that we don't want to degrade it. I think Brother Williams did a very good job at explaining this subject. Before class, as preparation, he had us post a question online we had about sexual intimacy and marriage.
A few good questions I thought were sincere and interesting were:

How do I stay in love with a future spouse if I am around them 24/7?
Is it normal for a husband and wife to both be lacking a sex drive?
What is considered breaking the law of chastity when you are married?
I have almost no desire to have sex. How do I fix that?

I think these are all good examples of questions LDS students have that are preparing for marriage. We discussed that marriage is sacred. There should be no degrading within a marriage when it comes to sexual interactions. I have learned through this class and for myself that as long as you are living in accordance to the commandments and seek help from Heavenly Father you will be led to answered questions. We talked about how communication is key within marriages and that a husband and wife really need to talk to each other. They need to discusses likes and dislikes between one another and whenever something comes up that the other person feels need to talk about that spouse needs to express their feelings. Communication is key.

Transitions in Marriage

This week we discussed many aspects of marriage but I want to focus on how difficult it might be to transition into marriage once a couple is newly married. There are many different stages in which transition within a marriage must take place. When a couple is first married and living together, when children enter the family, and when children leave the family. These are just a few examples.
I want to focus on the difficult marital adjustments made when a couple is first married.
These are all physical and emotional.
1) Being able to maintain a budget and work with finances
2) Resolving arguments and conflicts between one another
3) Other family members and relationships with them
4) The actual physical environment, living with another person and sleeping with them
5) Time being with each other
6) Differences
7) Sexual intimacy
8) Roles within the home
9) Boundaries
10) Social life/friendships
11) Making decisions together

We also discussed how people who get married usually have some education background and religious background. Education leads to being able to provide for a family, being able to be stable, more informed with the world and other subjects, and access to other resources.
Religiously, from an LDS point of view, culture is important, parents have a long term perspective, the importance of family is there, and an eternal outlook is present.
All of these lead to a sense of commitment. Commitment is such an important aspect between relationships and couples. That is way cohabitation isn't a good idea because it isn't a sign of commitment.

All of these adjustments and transitions are inevitable for a couple to experience. That is why I think it is such a good thing I am taking this class, so that I may be educated and have an idea of what to expect. It also has allowed me to appreciate the family unit so much more. 

Preparing for Marriage

We read an article by B. Chadwick called, Hanging Out, Hooking Up, and Celestial Marriage. This article is about how marriage is crafted, not found and that it takes work to create a healthy marriage. The counsel given within this article is that people need to be actively looking for a right companion and putting forth the right kind of effort to get married.
Some examples of ways to be effectively preparing for marriage is to date.
Dating entails:

• Recreation
• Intimacy and Companionship 
• Find a mate
• Status attainment
• Socialization

All of these revolve around a heathy style of dating and these may lead to marriage eventually. 

We discussed the "Three P's" in dating.

Planned

Paid 

Paired

All of these are responsibilities the the gentlemen normally possess in dating. These are important because planning helps the young man to provide for his future family. Paid, or paying for whatever the date is, may relate to protecting for his girl and family later on. And, Paired, meaning, pairing off and courting, shows that the young man is able to preside over he and his girl. All of these dating techniques allow the gentleman to learn of the latter responsibilities he may need to do in the future. 

Gender and Family Life

In class this week we went over gender roles and the different tendencies between males and females.

Female Tendencies:

• Emotional, express emotion
• Verbalize
• Observant, notice little details 
• Relationship oriented

Male Tendencies:

• Upper-body strength
• Spatial Orientation
• Protective instincts
• Can be aggressive
• Physical 

These are the tendencies we collected as a class and discussed. We noticed how they are different and that men and women need one other to fill in the gaps they don't have individually. Together as parents, men and women have important roles that the other one doesn't possess. 

In class we also discussed how confusing and misleading mothers can be when they try to be a father figure and vice-versa with fathers trying to be a mother figure. Brother Williams gave an example about a woman who was married to a man who was in the army and then divorced him for another woman. I know that homosexuality can lead to many negative consequences. Children need to be raise when a male father figure and a female mother figure. 

The only valid culture and way of living is what Heavenly Father expects. 

Social Class & Cultural Diversity

For our preparation for class this week, we went over a video about a woman, her family, and the lifestyle she lives. 

The link below leads to a video that we watched and discussed in class.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8VXrHeLqBA&feature=related

After watching this video, my first feeling was sadness. I felt so bad for this woman because I saw how hard she was working and to reap such little benefits. She chose to not be on food stamps or receive help from the government and the fact that she would walk such far distances to work really struck me. It is interesting how her social class and the way she lives is much different than that of others across the country and the world. 

There are different levels of social class and cultures differ around the globe. Tammy, the woman in the video above, is an example of a woman in a low, poor social class.

Culture is defined in the book we are studying out of this semester, called, Marriage & Family: The Quest for Intimacy. The definition of culture is the beliefs, norms, & values of a group along with the customs, behaviors and traditions. Diversity is also described and it is the differences and variations between groups and between cultures. 

These two factors highly influence societies. 

Understanding Family Dynamics & Theories

Theories help us predict and explain events that happen. Therefore, there are specific theories that allow families to understand the experiences they go through. Here are the theories expressed according to the text:

Family Systems Theory:
The whole is greater than the sum of it's parts.
Exchange Theory:
Relationships must be balanced or there will be a disconnection when it is lop-sided
Symbolic Interaction:
Relationships interact when people interact using symbols through their words and experiences
Conflict Theory: 
Suggests that when there are capable adults, there will always be conflict on how to go about things.

All of these theories help explain situations among the family. There are also certain boundaries that are described which are found among the family. There are diffused boundaries, rigid boundaries, and clear boundaries. All of these are found among the theories expressed.
I think that these theories really do help. They apply to different situations but almost every situation or issue may be resolved with help through these theories.

The main thing I took from our class discussions during this week was how every individual has an important role in the family. If there is one person who is distant, or is creating tension, that effects the whole entire rest of the family. When there is a complete effort made in helping one another, trials and hardships are endured so much better than if someone wasn't apart of the effort.

Leading Trends Within the Family

I have a strong belief in the difference between gender roles a father and a mother posses. I also strongly believe that the traditional family structure is divine. Although, this traditional unit is being threatened and changed in the world we live in today.
In class, we have discussed the different trends in society regarding families.

Divorce is up
Pre-marital sex is up
There are fewer marriages
Cohabitation is up
There are fewer children being born into families
Living alone is up
There are more people not participating in social activities
There are fewer social experiences with extended family
Births within unmarried couples is up
Mothers that work is up

In class, we discussed in groups what we individually thought was significant, interesting, or no big deal. I really enjoyed this class discussion and I found a lot of relevance to it.
Significant: 
The fact that the divorce rate has increased is sad and the threat that it will continue to rise is very scary. This goes along with fewer marriages.
Cohabitation increase is significant because that may prevent marriages from happening.
Pre-marital sex as an increasing issue is sad because of many reasons: threat of pregnancy, STD's, and lack of self control and no long term perspective
The number of births within unmarried couples is significant because that may lead to children growing up without a father or mother figure in their life.
Interesting:
Living alone is interesting because people are choosing to be alone. The reasons to why people choose to do that are intriguing as well.
Also, the decrease in social activity participation may exist because a person may not have access to a social life whether they have no friends, their jobs takes over their life, they choose not to or for other reasons.
The decrease in extended family activities is sad and interesting because this hasn't been a trend in the past. So the question, "Why is this happening?" comes up.
Fewer children is an interesting trend because that is a world-wide trend.
No Big Deal:
The idea of working mothers is not a big deal because women have the opportunity to work and they can take that offer up. Along with that, the economy is shocked so sometimes there needs to be another job in the family to help with bills and finances.
Sometimes extended family relations aren't a big deal because they do not always have a huge significance in some families lives.

Here Is To A New Beginning

I have had blogs in the past, but I a few months ago I deleted them because I grew lazy. So here is to a new beginning with a brand new blog for my Family Relations class! The idea of a blog is simple. I love that I can record my feelings, impressions, thoughts and opinions so quickly. I look forward to class in the aspect that I will learn the basics of the family unit and how the relationships work. I look forward to reading other people's insights and I look forward to advancing in my knowledge about marriages and families. Here is to a new semester and new studies!